Top 10 ways to not get retweeted on Twitter!

August 15th, 2009
by Christopher Kusek (PKGuild)

Everyone wants to be sure to say things to guarantee they won’t be retweeted!  Well, here a breakdown of top items to guarantee YOU won’t get retweeted!

#10 – Be a douche!   We’ve all met the guy who frankly is a douche! You’ve seen his tweets! If you ever see an @ conversation with him and someone else you know it is obviously a typo!   He’s all about him-him-him! He clearly puts the TWIT into Twitter!    So rise up, take action and be sure to talk all about your new SEO techniques to make you millions, only $59.99 today!

#9 – Treat people like an idiot!    You’re all self important, you’re never wrong, so why change that personality once you get on twitter! I’m sure you and your 129 followers are loving your candid and quirky little ways, when even when proven and cited wrong with reference able material you continue down your track record of “Well, they’re just idiots!”

#8 – Ask people to retweet your lame tweet!     You definitely have a message to deliver, even if that message is “I must have 1000 followers by Tuesday, so please retweet my senseless plea for help!”   Far from it from me to suggest you obtain a personality and engage in conversation or sharing of information, definitely reach out to the RT-o-sphere!

#7 – Constantly start fights on twitter     I know we were having a conversation, but now I want to be rude and find something to fight about! Retweet me calling you bad names, yea!

#6 – Complain about how Twitter is getting too big!    You can’t help but complain! If it’s not that Twitter is growing too fast, it’s that it’s down today, you have an API limit, you’re following 2000 people and you cannot follow anyone else!  You’re going to switch to today! Damnit, Twitter is like Facebook, or isn’t enough like Facebook! I MISS FRIENDFEED!

#5 – Be Racist on Twitter      Wow! You’ve sure reached a new level of engagement! Let’s take our own shallow selves and put it out to a mass of readers and listeners so we can appear ignorant on a global scale!   Racism wasn’t cool in person, and it’s even less cool when put into a social media context.   Let’s take it up a notch and get over your insecurities.

#4 – Talk about Tea Parties in every tweet     Yea, we get it.  You’re upset about something, and now you’ve decided to back a social movement which involves an idea of our founding fathers, but not taking into account the modern social meaning of the term ‘tea bagging’ and then you further don’t understand why we laugh when you talk about it?    Welcome to the internets!

#3 – Talk about your new ebook which will guarantee you thousands of followers on Twitter!   Hey, I opt’d to look at your profile instead of your ebook first, turns out you have 39 followers. WTF? Where is your credibility? If your $59.99 ebook works so well, why don’t you have more than a hand full of followers as you’re promoting?  That’s as good as the Hobo’s guide to CEO operations.

#2 – Be an unfunny contrarian    Hey, be a contrarian, I’m definitely game for that as I like taking an alternative position with an intelligent perspective on it.  But if you’re going to be contrary, at least be funny while you’re doing it.   You might even earn a retweet out of the deal!

And last but not least! Infact the number one way to guarantee you won’t get a retweet on twitter…!

#1 – If you don’t retweet me I’ll unfollow you!    Yea, I get it.   The very fabric of the universe rests upon whether this particular tweet is RT’d by me where I am.  I woke up to see I was unfollowed by the masses throughout the night because while I slept, I wasn’t auto-retweeting your hilarious antics of racist douchey contrarian bitching about the Tea Party failing to be understood by the “Idiots” in america.  IF I COULD ONLY BE ON O’REILLY FACTOR ALL OF THE PROBLEMS OF TWITTER WOULD BE SOLVED.

Yea, I get it.


Now, I encourage you to go out there, and Retweet away! And if you’re retweeting folks like above, be sure to let them know you’ve done them a special service!  And if you’re not or you feel there are even more appropriate ways and reasons someone shouldn’t be retweeted, pass that on as well!

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Posted in Baltimization, Christopher Kusek, Social Media, Twitter | Comments (2)

  • #11 Use swear words like shxt and fxxk

    #12 Type in ALL-CAPS

    #13 Link to porn

    #14 #use #hashtags #excessively

  • Cindy Kim says:

    Love the post. It’s so true. I’d say it has so much to do with your circle of followers that you pick. That’s the important part – following the right people who can treat the platform and their followers with respect for their time and use of Twitter. Pay close attention to the people you follow and check out their profile and past tweets to make sure they won’t fill your updates with SPAM and useless updates.

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